I'm starting a new feature today:

It's an advice column for my classmates/fellow students. I figure from my semi-exalted outside-looking-in position as a 2nd Bachelor's student of advanced age I have the distance and experience needed to give advice that will be summarily ignored. Omg, you're old enough to be dead... Well yes, isn't everyone?

Anyway. Here is episode 1 of Dear Classmates.

Dear Classmates,

I realize that during your formative years you bedded down with the cows and chickens at night. The cats cuddled up to your warm back and the dogs curled round your legs. In the morning, you stumbled out the open barn door and headed off for the 50 mile trek to school. Well guess what?? Your agrarian phase is over! Welcome to the world of doors to be closed and tissues and bathrooms with flushing toilets! Welcome to modern life! As you progress through this manual, you will learn all about dealing with modern conveniences and sensibilities.

Today's lesson has to do with yawning. More specifically, today's lesson covers what to do when you yawn. Let's have a quiz, shall we. Sure, college is all about pop quizzes.

When you yawn, you should:

a/ Make it as loud as possible and blow as much of your breath on your neighbor as possible. This is called the 'sharing of the breath' and is a common custom.

b/ Titter helplessly as though you didn't mean to yawn, but your body got the better of you all of a sudden.

c/ Politely cover your mouth.

If you didn't answer c, go back to your barn or look for me and don't sit next to me in your classes. I'm the veiled one. I will punch your fucking teeth out. Next time, we will address gum or maybe anger management. This has been Dear Classmates. Until next time, be less annoying.