Continuing with the 6 words, I went skating between thunderstorms today. The path wasn't bad, but predictably another storm blew up and I got soaked between taking off my skates and heading to the train station. Thankfully, I hurried and got off the trail and the hill up from it before it blew in. Two and a half hours is still a long time to be wet though. Storms cause slow, slow trains.
Oh, and I still need to go to bed earlier. And this whole "I hate everybody" thing blows, except I don't know what else to do. And there is no self-consciousness with it, definite plus. (And it doesn't apply to work really. At work, I'm at work. *shrug* Besides, I like my job and I understand my role and I'm okay with it.)
I don't write near enough anymore, so I'm changing the format a little: 6 words summarizing each day and a paragraph for backstory. I got the idea from this Smith magazine book and the fact that I get too little sleep even when I don't blog.
So here goes today: Parkour rocks, misanthrope already, too bad.
I've been doing parkour at Primal Fitness in DC for most of the time since I stopped blogging. It's an awesome workout (dragging myself around a block at a quasi-run and then doing pushups and pullups awesome) and I like the community around it. They're the sort of people that have a barbeque and all sit on the floor and eat and make you comfortable enough to go sit in the circle and then widen the circle to make room for you when you do. Which doesn't seem like that big a deal, but w/e, it is. Anyway, that's what I've been doing. That and deciding that human relationships are generally annoying and crappy and I'm sick and tired of being peoples' friend substitute, you know, the nice little person they talk to when the people they want to be around aren't available, and therefore I'm ditching people, not that there are that many, and a few I'd rather not ditch, but I'm kinda not nice right now.
I'll be a benign sort of hateful person. Want directions? Fine. Want to ask me what my major is and then sit around awkwardly waiting for someone you know? Bite me. It's been a dramatic, for lack of a better word, first half of the year too, which undoubtedly contributes. Soap opera writers wish my semester would happen to them. They wouldn't have to make up any drama for their shows. :-/ Speaking of which, Glee is awesome, awesome, awesome. Loved it. Want more. Anyway, that's me of the moment.
So here's the problem, in a nutshell: the 'rents, out of an overprotective something (too painful to write out in the open just yet) smacked me back to 14 just as I got ready to fly, so I never really did.
So now I'm 27, almost 28, and I need people to be around. Except, I have the same problem now that we had growing up (That happens when you move every time you get close to settling in somewhere. I really need to finish the life story). Anyway, the problem is a lack of people. No close friends, well one, but we might possibly never see each other again, since she lives halfway around the world. Acquaintances are not friends and small talk, shallow, "we don't know each other well enough to really talk" conversations are just exhausting after about the 3rd one in a week.
Anyway, I'd like to one day have sex (that's right, I said it, fuck the whole omg, I'm religious, I don't have funny bits thing. I have them and they're finally making themselves known. Not fun.). Anyway, I would. And I'd also like to be able to have con-ver-sa-tions. Not stupid, awkward acquaintance blabbing, but conversations. Talking about something. Where there are opinions and disagreements and maybe never an agreement, but when it's all said and done, somebody else's opinion informs your way of thinking or maybe yours informs someone else's or maybe you laughed or were pensive or got really annoyed or something. Something.
So, the idea is, I need to become known. For normal people, existing is enough maybe, you go to school, you meet people, you work, somebody invites you out for drinks. I am freak people, I don't get invited out for drinks, and I didn't get to go to school with people to whom I could be anything more than acquainted. So, I have to do something else. I have to be smart or fast or something. Normal people get to exist. If I do something extraordinary, maybe somebody will see that I exist.
I am angry with the parents. Really, really angry. They knew how hard this would be. And they were so selfish that they made it much, much harder than it could have been. And now they won't talk about it, which means it will never get any better. *sigh*
Anyway, the problem with extraordinary is that I don't think I can pull it off. I get halfway through a week and I get sad enough that I don't study. I don't eat enough, don't drink enough, don't eat enough. :-/ I don't have a fix for that, really.
There's a girl, sitting all alone, reading a book, no one else at home
See here the stain, there against the wall, the paint's lighter there, it's where her shadow falls
She's reading a book, a book she's read before, books are her friends, she's never had anymore
There's a party going on, somewhere across the street She doesn't know where, but she can hear the beat
Friends arriving, shaking hands, having things to say, she doesn't understand
No one really knows her, at work they know her name, they know that she works hard, but that isn't quite the same
she's one of the lonely, they've slid between the cracks they're lost and forgotten, no one has their backs (I don't like this line.)
No one knows about them they're lost and alone, and no one cares about them, they sit in their homes.
They're wasted lives and wasted smiles and wasted hopes and dreams and no one knows or cares.
No one knows. No one cares. No one knows. No one cares.
This isn't working. By the time the weekend rolls around, I'm so exhausted, I'm useless. And then, I'm supposed to do all the things I didn't get done during the week, except that I don't. I just sleep instead and Saturday morning, I start to get sick and have to flood the cold with vitamin C juice (pineapple, orange, grapefruit, w/e) and then by Sunday, I'm okay, but I didn't get anything done Saturday and I'm still exhausted because I couldn't sleep Saturday night. Sigh.
It's Thursday. Thursday. I have to keep reminding myself because otherwise I start to sink into the exhaustion. I am trying to do too much this semester: work 25-30 hours a week, 2 significant classes, and gymnastics team, which is a huge timesink. This will be a bad semester. But, if I had to choose between this and going back to study, study, study, nothing else, I would pick this.
I already have a degree with study, study, study grades. What I need right now is to get to the point where I can balance everything (better) and not be quite so exhausted at the end of the day.
Random unrelated stuff: It rained all day today. Everything smells wet. Inside, it smells like wet people and clothes. Not that lovely a smell. Outside is better, wet ground and water in the air don't smell half-bad. :)
My shoulders are incredibly sore. Full-body ice pack wanted. I don't even have a regular ice pack though, because for some reason, I left them with my parents when I moved down here.
I muscled myself up a wall, with a little cheating, and did a handstand about 3" from the wall yesterday though. I couldn't do that at the beginning of the semester. :D
My sort-of-friend calls me bizarre, which I sort of don't hate anymore, and which is probably accurate, more or less. I'm starting to embrace the bizarre, or else I'm just giving up, one or the other.
In a futile attempt to counteract the continued lack of sex, friendship, and affection in my life, I'm reading all the books, listening to all the albums (metal, screamo, punk, band suggestions welcomed heartily), learning languages, starting a podcast, writing angry songs that my voice isn't really loud enough to sing and strange existential essays on the meaning of life, plunking away on the guitar, and indulging my nerdBeing™.