The one where I tell complete strangers EVERYTHING and hold the darkness back a little longer, part 1

I'm going to be lonely forever, that's fairly inevitable considering I can no longer tell harmless people from crazed nutballs and I can't tell myself from either. When you start accusing innocent harmless people of being crazed insane people because you can't tell the difference, you know the end is nigh. You might as well give up and recognize your future role as feeder of cats.

(Note before you flame me: I have no problem with cats. I'm just not looking forward to the 13 or so who will sleep in a vaguely man-shaped outline formed by the warmth from my own body after they've evicted me from my bed to serve them gourmet cat food which I'll be able to afford because I have nothing else to spend money on. (But hey, apparently I'll be employed in this bleak future, so that's something.)

Amusing Castle Episode 2 tidbit: Cheetah Condoms? Really? Isn't speed in that arena not a good thing?

In all seriousness though, I want to have friends and sex. I'm tired of not falling asleep by myself and not talking to anybody. I don't want to do it for the rest of my life. What does this have to do with my life story? I don't really know, but it seems like a less drastic approach than going to the ghetto Target (tar-jay) by my house and buying a hoey dress with which to get me a man. Hey, it's always a possibility. (Please note: If you are an impressionable Muslim, or follower of any moral code, or person vested in your own self-esteem and you read this.... It is not really a worthwhile option to go out and lure men with hoey dresses. Nor does it work, apparently. Read Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both before you try it. Oh, and consider whether or not you want that on your conscience.)

Anyhow, I'm getting quietly more crazed as the time passes, so without further ado:

Me, unabridged, in vignettes (because I like that word).

May 1981
Baby girl, black eyes, black hair, no forehead, born in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia 2 weeks premature to a couple of well-meaning insane people (not their fault). Based on retroactive study of baby passport photos, she got to be pudgy and foreheaded fairly quickly. Two months later, the 'rents moved her and her 2-year old brother to New York to stay with their grandmother. The decision had a lot to do with the fact that Saudi Arabian culture featured small children spitting the word 'Abid (slave) at the father and Saudi television featured Black Samba cartoons. The parents decided their children would grow up in the US.


Nov. 1985
It's a late November morning in Baltimore. There are three kids now, the first boy and girl and another boy, ages 2, 4, and 6. The kids are around the corner at their cousins' house experimenting with mixers: apple juice and orange juice. Puking ensues. Their father picks them up and late that night, the girl goes downstairs. Her father is awake is in the living room. "You have a baby sister" he says and the next day they all go and get Mom and the baby from the hospital. The kids get to name the baby, which is probably momentarily frightening for her. (She picked her head up and looked around shortly after birth, so she probably gets it.) The kids pick a good name though, so it's okay.


December 1986
There is a party. The little girl and her family go. The baby sister is there on the mother's lap. The brothers are somewhere. There are cupcakes for the kids after they eat their dinner. The little girl eats too slowly and when she is finished, the girl supervising the kids is gone and so are the cupcakes. The other kids have all finished eating and disappeared off to somewhere. The little girl stays in the room by herself, singing to herself, and tracing patterns in the carpet. It never occurs to her that she could get up and go downstairs and find somebody else. When they come to get her, it's time to leave, and she sees that everyone else was in the kitchen eating chocolate cake. She cries herself to sleep in the living room that night. All the kids share a room with a loft bed with shelves under it and a slide. They sleep side by side on the floor in sleeping bags and her crying was keeping her brothers awake. (For the rest of her life, she will fold the blankets like a sleeping bag.) The baby still sleeps in the parents' room. She will eventually be moved to the kids' room in a hail of her own tears.


May 1987
The house in Baltimore is full of kids and moms. It's a typical school day and there is an auction today. All the kids have been given tokens that they can use to buy coloring books and marker sets. They're supposed to be learning the value of money. The little girl is 7 now and won't know the value of money for another year or two, when she sends away for a copy of "Ump's Fwat" and a bunch of other "Free Stuff for Kids."

Today though, she buys a Red Riding Hood coloring book. The oldest two (she and her brother) will go to their Science Center classes tomorrow and dissect a frog. (They never make it. The car gets a flat and the neighbor comes over to jack it up and put on the spare, but by then the class is over. She does get to dissect a frog, but not until 4 years later, in college, which will have to wait until next installment.)