I get it.

I understand now why I am lonely. It's because I'm too friendly and too friendly while being too different. I'm having issues, guy issues with a guy that I feel nothing romantic for who I think (I'm pretty sure) likes me, but who annoys me, a lot, at the same time. And I don't really want to be friends with him or have a relationship with him.

The annoyingness is just him being him, I think. But, it's incredibly annoying. I really don't want to be around him, which would be difficult, unfortunately.

Trying to be nice to him while not wanting to be around him is interesting though. Most of me wants to spend my time in my room and have nothing to do with him. I might just do that. But part of me figures I shouldn't do that. I kind of want that part to lose. Just because you don't want to be mean doesn't mean you have to let someone get on your nerves.

There's something of a parallel to be drawn between my own friendlessness and me not wanting to be friends with him though. To the rest of the world, I am as he is to me. And there's not much (or nothing) I can do about it.

So here's the conclusion I've finally come to: You have to be yourself and accept yourself, because there isn't anything else. Nobody will validate you for free. You either like yourself or you become a follower, subscribe to somebody, follow their rules, and let them give you a flock. (Not an option for me. Followers have uniforms and my clothes don't qualify. Also, I have never been one of those or that accepted, so I don't know if that is a bad thing or not. I would welcome comments.)

People don't like me because they fear me, fear being indebted to me. It's the same as my natural wariness warring with my need not to be part of the problem in the case of this guy. If it were just up to the wariness, I would have nothing at all, nada, zip to do with him. But, I have been in his shoes, sort of. Although, I don't think I was ever the type to try to make people feel stupid or invade their space. But, I don't want to owe him anything.

The people I know don't want me to feel like their friend because then there is a relationship, an obligation, and being obliged to me is frightening, because they don't get anything out of it, no matter how scintillating my personality. ^^ If I were the possesor of great physical beauty, it might be different, because enough beauty makes the normal rules not apply, but again I wouldn't know for sure. I could see problems with exploiting that, also.

I like my face. I like my body. I like the way I am, generally, and when I don't, I take note and try to change that, I think. I try not to make the world a worse place than it would be without me. But in the end, none of that matters to most of everybody else.

I am lucky to have found my old warcraft guild, because they accepted me, more than I have been before, or ever, even after I "came out" to them as me. Why not just masquerade as normal? Blegh. It seemed dishonest under the circumstances. I would rather not be liked as myself than be loved as a figment of the imagination. Besides, they liked me. As me. So, lucky me. :)

Anyway, basically, I'm probably screwed, or not, since the apparent likelihood of me dying a virgin is the inverse of the likelihood of me being feared or whatever it is. Heh.