Note: If I have any faithful readers, this is probably not geared towards you. Please forgive me for this, but it needs to be said. There's profanity, because right now I don't want to be the nice person I'm usually trying to be and because when you don't curse much, sometimes it's effective when you do. Unedited and without further ado:
Background: This weekend was beautiful in my neck of the woods, so I went skating on my usual fav trail...in a skirt, with a picnic lunch, and my usual backpack.
Dear racist/religionist/discriminatory/whatever the fuck you call yourselves idiots,
Stop staring at me. When I go skating, or running, or walking, or to the gym, or whatever, I'm out making myself a better person. I'm safeguarding my body against cholesterol and heart disease and diabetes (it's common in my people). I'm protecting my mind from stagnation and from insanity and from wasting itself. Do you honestly think it's easy on the mind to be this lonely and to have these prospects for future loneliness?? Even you cannot possibly be that stupid. I'm breathing the fresh air. I'm watching the deer on the trail. ...The last thing on my mind is you...until, that is, you fearfully watch me pass. "OMG", your face says "!!!" "WHAT IS IT???!!" "When will it hurt me?" "I shall stare at it because I have never seen one and I can't handle it." Your race doesn't even matter.
Well, here is your answer: It's a Weird, Lonely, sometimes Broke Muslim chick using endorphins (those are the chemicals that give a natural high from exercise) to stave off another day. Odds are beneath my headscarf, I have a headphone in one ear and I'm listening to acapella or some story podcast (EscapePod and PodCastle are awesome, PseudoPod is very, very weird. Like, what the?? weird.)
Here's the deal: You don't have to worry about me pulling a gun out of my skirt and shooting you. Why? Because I am too tough for that. Because not even 28 years of loneliness and outcastedness (or whatever the word is) and betrayal by the very people to whom I was supposed to matter and the promise of 30 or 50 or 70 lonely years to come is enough to make me blow your stupid head off, even if your head is really, really stupid. You think of that when you're staring at me like I'm some sort of apparition.
Oh and check this out: I don't even own a fucking gun. I have once. I grew up partially on a farm in rural CA and we had a shotgun. We shot a deer in the butt with it once. It was trying to eat my mother's garden. We don't have the shotgun anymore. We have books and yoga mats and prayer mats. But, you wouldn't know that, would you? Would you even care?
I am a living, breathing human being. I have feelings. If you treated me like a human being, maybe I could stop muttering "bite me! BITE ME!" under my breath at you. Maybe I could actually smile at you and gaily trail a "hi!" behind me like I would like to do. (I'm highly susceptible to the endorphins.) It's up to you. I'm not going anywhere, unless one of you pulls the gun that I'm not willing to and makes me go away.
Until and Unless, here I fucking be.
Peace,
WBL
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In Which She Writes Promises Her Blog Can't Cash
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Well! That was a very mean thing I did there, promising everyone all sorts
of updates and mayhem, and then not writing a single blessed thing. That's
some ...
1 year ago
5 comments:
I highly recommend PRI's Selected Shorts http://www.npr.org/rss/podcast/podcast_detail.php?siteId=9911210
It's my favorite. Just for fair warning, though, this week's is a little weak. Last week's (Strong Men, Stronger Women) was fantastic. Judge it on that one.
What a sad and pathetic story! Your courage in the face of such boors is truly inspiring! I am of the fat culture and elicit similar stares. What is wrong with our society?! I blame it all on "Barbie" who turned 50 this year. Talk about a sicko image. . .
Seriously, there are friendly, open people out there, so keep on doing your thing and enjoy those endorphins!!
Instead of waiting for them to change, maybe you should break the cycle by initiating a "hello" first. Since they can't see your smile...
@Nathan: Thanks for the recommendation. I have Selected Shorts in my iTunes subscribed podcasts but I haven't listened in a while. I'll have to get back into those. I have a LOT to catch up on. :)
@dcpeg: Thank you. And I have to agree about the Barbie issue. I'm not really a fan of Bratz either for the same reason. If I had a daughter, I'm not sure how I would keep her healthy as far as body image and toys. (I had a rag doll that my mom made me. She's still at my parents' house. :) )
@lacochran
I do sometimes, it all depends on the person and how I sense I can act towards/react to them. Also, you're talking about niqab, which is hijab plus a face covering. I just wear hijab, which is long skirt or long pants, long-sleeved shirt and a head covering. My face is visible though.
also, @ lacochran: I felt the need to add a thank you for the suggestion, and also to note that perception is a funny thing. It never even occurred to me to make a point of that. :)
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