I need more exposure!
So here's the problem, in a nutshell: the 'rents, out of an overprotective something (too painful to write out in the open just yet) smacked me back to 14 just as I got ready to fly, so I never really did.
So now I'm 27, almost 28, and I need people to be around. Except, I have the same problem now that we had growing up (That happens when you move every time you get close to settling in somewhere. I really need to finish the life story). Anyway, the problem is a lack of people. No close friends, well one, but we might possibly never see each other again, since she lives halfway around the world. Acquaintances are not friends and small talk, shallow, "we don't know each other well enough to really talk" conversations are just exhausting after about the 3rd one in a week.
Anyway, I'd like to one day have sex (that's right, I said it, fuck the whole omg, I'm religious, I don't have funny bits thing. I have them and they're finally making themselves known. Not fun.). Anyway, I would. And I'd also like to be able to have con-ver-sa-tions. Not stupid, awkward acquaintance blabbing, but conversations. Talking about something. Where there are opinions and disagreements and maybe never an agreement, but when it's all said and done, somebody else's opinion informs your way of thinking or maybe yours informs someone else's or maybe you laughed or were pensive or got really annoyed or something. Something.
So, the idea is, I need to become known. For normal people, existing is enough maybe, you go to school, you meet people, you work, somebody invites you out for drinks. I am freak people, I don't get invited out for drinks, and I didn't get to go to school with people to whom I could be anything more than acquainted. So, I have to do something else. I have to be smart or fast or something. Normal people get to exist. If I do something extraordinary, maybe somebody will see that I exist.
I am angry with the parents. Really, really angry. They knew how hard this would be. And they were so selfish that they made it much, much harder than it could have been. And now they won't talk about it, which means it will never get any better. *sigh*
Anyway, the problem with extraordinary is that I don't think I can pull it off. I get halfway through a week and I get sad enough that I don't study. I don't eat enough, don't drink enough, don't eat enough. :-/ I don't have a fix for that, really.
Posts
In Which She Writes Promises Her Blog Can't Cash
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Well! That was a very mean thing I did there, promising everyone all sorts
of updates and mayhem, and then not writing a single blessed thing. That's
some ...
1 year ago
4 comments:
YOu know, I've always said that there are many things in life you can't control but the one thing you CAN control is how you react to it. Don't let it keep you down girl!
Another interesting tid bit is how we often put our parents in a pedestal. We think that because they are our parents, they must be perfect. So we realize they aren't and how much so that they fucked up our psyche.. we resent them. We resent them for being HUMAN therefore... assholes sometimes! LOL
Once I took my parents off the pedestal and saw them as such I forgave them for fucking my life up. Then I took control! It's been a great life ever since! Seriously!
You know what, I really appreciate you saying that (both of those things). I went home yesterday and, for the first time in a while, was able to talk to my dad without spending the whole evening angry.
I'm going to keep your advice in mind, I think it'll help. Life is too short to spend it being miserable in one way or another, but sometimes it's hard not to. :)
(deleted this to correct myself: I've talked to my dad without being upset, it's just been a while).
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