epiphany-ish, sort of (don't say I'm not uncertain)

I need more exposure!

So here's the problem, in a nutshell: the 'rents, out of an overprotective something (too painful to write out in the open just yet) smacked me back to 14 just as I got ready to fly, so I never really did.

So now I'm 27, almost 28, and I need people to be around. Except, I have the same problem now that we had growing up (That happens when you move every time you get close to settling in somewhere. I really need to finish the life story). Anyway, the problem is a lack of people. No close friends, well one, but we might possibly never see each other again, since she lives halfway around the world. Acquaintances are not friends and small talk, shallow, "we don't know each other well enough to really talk" conversations are just exhausting after about the 3rd one in a week.

Anyway, I'd like to one day have sex (that's right, I said it, fuck the whole omg, I'm religious, I don't have funny bits thing. I have them and they're finally making themselves known. Not fun.). Anyway, I would. And I'd also like to be able to have con-ver-sa-tions. Not stupid, awkward acquaintance blabbing, but conversations. Talking about something. Where there are opinions and disagreements and maybe never an agreement, but when it's all said and done, somebody else's opinion informs your way of thinking or maybe yours informs someone else's or maybe you laughed or were pensive or got really annoyed or something. Something.

So, the idea is, I need to become known. For normal people, existing is enough maybe, you go to school, you meet people, you work, somebody invites you out for drinks. I am freak people, I don't get invited out for drinks, and I didn't get to go to school with people to whom I could be anything more than acquainted. So, I have to do something else. I have to be smart or fast or something. Normal people get to exist. If I do something extraordinary, maybe somebody will see that I exist.

I am angry with the parents. Really, really angry. They knew how hard this would be. And they were so selfish that they made it much, much harder than it could have been. And now they won't talk about it, which means it will never get any better. *sigh*

Anyway, the problem with extraordinary is that I don't think I can pull it off. I get halfway through a week and I get sad enough that I don't study. I don't eat enough, don't drink enough, don't eat enough. :-/ I don't have a fix for that, really.