Monday, February 23, 2009

my hair

ate a comb this morning,
waved dark tendrils in the wind from my window and
demanded another

shhh

it doesn't know it's getting locked this summer

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Mom, I love you, but, no, I don't want to marry some random dude from a Muslim dating website. Nor do I want to talk to said random dude. I am not into random dudes. Oh and in my post before, I missed one: incarcerated dude. Yeah. He sent me a letter with pictures and everything and okay, he's cute enough, but no. NO. I am amazed that the girl who told him about me told him about me.

And the thing is, if I took off all my stuff and went to da club, I don't think it'd be any easier. To find somebody random to make out with, sure, okay, but I seriously doubt that'd make it easier to find somebody to be friends with, or maybe to be more than friends (bowchickawowwow, don't ask, it seemed appropriate). And I am so not interested in random making out with people. I'd make out with TDiL though, except I wouldn't, but I'd want to.

People keep telling me: Oh, everybody's lonely. It's not just you. So, if the universe is a huge septic tank of islands floating in the shit, that's supposed to help? Oh, it's fine, we're all in the same stinky situation.

Weird I can handle. If you judge me by my invisible boobs, odds are I don't want to know you anyway. Brok-ish, I can handle. Lonely is a huge pain in the ass. Huge.

Oh, and Coraline was very good. I went by myself and it was enjoyable. Tim Burton delivers. I won't give it away, but if you watch it, notice the sweaters. They are real miniature sweaters really knitted by a real person. If you've ever knitted, you'll be impressed by this, especially the one with the color pattern, oh, and the gloves. Knitting gloves that tiny is pretty amazing.

So lonely, *sigh*

I'm going to bed. I have to work tomorrow, assuming disgruntlement doesn't cost me my job.

Hurley

I was watching Lost and I have come to this conclusion: Hurley has the best hair.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

grrrrrrrrrrrr

It's one of those days, you know, the sort of day where you get out of bed and step in a pile of cat vomit and then you take a shower and realize that you have no clean underwear, and since underwear is not like socks and can't be reworn for weeks after removing it once, you have to wash out a pair and because you have no oven, you then have to put the pair on damp. Then you have to wear the damp underwear all day, because damp underwear sandwiched between your jeans and your butt does not dry. It stays damp. Or, you can decide to go underwearless. I don't know about you, but jeans commando is not one of my fav outfits. I'd rather do the damp underwear thing.

And while we're on the subject of underwear, who came up with the concept of thongs? I finally broke out of the usual bikini forever mode and bought a single thong, and wore said thong..once. How in the heck are you supposed to keep the strap unwedgied? Doesn't anyone realize how very cold MD winters are? Maybe I'm the wrong generation, although I'm not that old, yeesh. Or maybe I spent too much time running through the woods growing up. (hey, It could have something to do with an aversion to thongs). Maybe I'm too much of a treehouse person and I want my underwear to be substantial enough to double as rope should I be forced to use it to rappell someday. (It could happen.) Whatever the underlying reason, the thong will not be getting a repeat wearing.

So, it's one of those days. I have homework, which is mostly not done. I was supposed to be at the Duke women's basketball game today, which I am missing, even as I write. Before that, I was supposed to go meet somebody, which I didn't. I was at work late Friday and am fielding angry emails even as I write. I will have to deal with incredible amounts of disgruntledness on Monday. Incredible amounts, which I am not looking forward to. The only seminormal person I've run into in a while is, well, not. I have a work project that I can't test because I didn't leave the machine on. Oh, and that will contribute to the disgruntledness to come on Monday. Somebody hold me. I need a cat to hug, but they're all at home. *Grumble.* *ssiiigghh.*

Oh, and it was one of those days that look warm and then you go out and it's all like "wind, cold, blowing in your face no matter which way you're walking."

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Except the disgruntled are just waiting to complain at me, and about me, and threaten the job without which I can't pay my rent and my tuition and all that good stuff. And I'll have to drop out of school and get another job (in this economy, no less) or move home and go back to being about 13. Yay. Soo grumpy.

Friday, February 20, 2009

breakthrough!

I was me tonight! I have to go to bed, there's a show tomorrow and call time is 5:15 and I have to walk 3 miles to get there, but I actually had fun loading the truck tonight. Part of it was people including me in the silliness that goes on, which was cool, but part of it was just relaxing. That's so incredibly hard to do sometimes.

I don't know, I was in a good mood anyway, because the guild I'm applying to seems to be cool, not as cool as the coolest guild evar, but cool. :D It was probably that. But, I decided at some point that I was NOT going to stand around and feel weird and I didn't. When they ran out of stuff to carry and lift and whatnot, I practiced my old Taekwondo forms. Let's see if I can do a repeat next week. Show tomorrow! Pyramids say ooooooooooooooooooooow! What?! Oooooooooooooooooow!

gnight folks ^^
peace and love

Thursday, February 19, 2009

team sports for the solo flyer, part 1

I have to break this up because I NEED some sleep tonight. I've slept ONE out of the past FOUR nights. One. That is not natural. Not to mention, it's dangerous for me. I tend to fall asleep while walking if I get tired enough. Obviously, this is a problem when you consider traffic.

Anyway, the point is that I'm breaking this post up into a couple of posts. This is the one where I introduce the series, obviously.

I'm in the gymnastics troupe at school and so far, I love the gymnastics. It's hard. The mats are hard. Landing in the mats sometimes hurts. Everything is much, much harder than it looks. My muscles are soft (which means not soft at all, but they might as well be nothing for this sport), which makes every skill even harder. My arms resemble Bert's, but with little shoulders. They were good enough for Taekwondo, but for gymnastics, I might as well have the strength of Bert.

But, all that aside, I have no intention of quitting. Shoot, the fact that it's hard probably makes me even less likely to quit, besides, I WANT my back handspring. I'm not even close to getting it. haha. Oh, and let me mention that besides being 27, not the ideal age for starting gymnastics, I'm also entirely lacking in natural talent. Martial arts? I was not bad at martial arts. I had good legs, ok hands, I was alright. But this? Everything is bad. I did front handsprings for an entire semester and got them exactly twice. Twice. I have done 2 good non-supported, landed front handsprings in my lifetime. 2. But it's fun and my ornery side is starting to kick in as well.

So I like the gymnastics. I don't know about the whole team thing though. For various reasons, I was always the person who went and did whatever by myself. So now for me to have to do the huddle is a little strange.

The first roadshow I went to, I didn't feel like part of anything at all. It was all strange and new and a little silly, maybe. It doesn't help that I'm older than most of the rest of the team, but I don't think I'm the oldest. People speak to me too, so it's not that. I'm just chalking it up to not thinking as a team being for the moment. We'll see if it changes as I go to practice and shows and more people get comfortable with me, if that happens. It'll be interesting.

More later.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

sigh

I got about an hour of sleep last night and yet I am wide awake. >.<

The Daily Yelp - 2/10/9

This is a new feature I'm adding. Yelp.com is a gem. Basically, people get together on the internet and talk about stuff. Restaurants, pizza places, unusual jobs, stuff.

So, each day (that I have time), I'll feature one interesting Yelp thread that I've found.

Today's is Unusual jobs that pay very high salaries. Enjoy!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Throwing the biological clock against the wall

I think my biological clock is starting to ring. I'm not sure exactly what this means. I don't want kids just yet. I love reading the Mommybloggers, but I'm not quite ready to embark on my own journey of madness, especially since they mention Vodka and Gin and Tonics a lot.... No, I don't think I'm jonesing for little horrors with half my DNA. Eventually, sure, but not for a while.

What then? Company? Probably. The S word that I can't even type for the blush it inspires? (Growing up, that wasn't something you talked about. I guess the home training is strong. I'm linking to the Urban Dictionary definition, which is more like an anti-definition, but gets the point across and makes me laugh. Beware, should you be unfamiliar with UD and stray from the linked page. There be sharks in them thar waters.) Anyway, is that a factor? Umm, probably. Snuggling? For sure. Still, this a bad time and so, I am throwing the alarm at the wall in an effort to silence it. Shhhhh. There isn't anybody around to fulfill that particular void.

Let's enumerate the potentials, shall we:

1) Solicitous Brother: If I'm climbing a tree or carrying a box, and a backpack, and a load of textbooks, he's the one who warns "Sister, you're going to fall". He's the one who asks "Sister, you want some help with that?" It makes my blood boil to be told I'm going to fall out of a tree just because I'm climbing it in a skirt. Seriously. Come on. That's almost as annoying as the Stupid Brother ilk who find it amusing when the girls borrow a football. (We had a most wonderful game of full-contact tackle too. Except I wound up not tackling at all, because the idea of tackling somebody 40 lbs lighter than me and 1 head shorter is frightening.)

2) Crushing dude: No. Just No. And considering that usually the crush stick goes a-beating the other way round, I take this time to apologize to everyone I've ever crushed on. I'm sorry for every incredibly stupid, goofy smile, every "deer-in-the-headlights" stare. If it's any consolation, I couldn't help it. (In plain English, I'm usually the one with the hideous, omg, never-to-be-requited crush. Except, I think maybe I've grown out of crushing in general. And not a moment to soon.) So, I feel for him. But, I am highly, highly, extremely unlikely to ever like him the way he wants me to. Plus, he's younger than me, and I am not into the younger men.

3) TDiL. Bleh. Nothing is happening on that front. Nothing is likely to happen on that front. At least it's not a crush. :D

So, shut up, bioAlarm. You're just going to have to chill a while longer. No snugglies for you.

And back to work. Because I have 45 (39) min to finish this homework or I will miss the bus, and I am not going home before I finish this, Insha'Allah, even if that means sleeping in the library tonight. I don't want to sleep in the library tonight.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Time for a change

When something isn't working, you change it. Modify it until it does work. Out with the old, in with the fresh. Spray a little Febreze. All that good stuff.

So. This isn't working. I missed class Friday for a gymnastics show, which was pretty cool, but not nearly as cool as understanding parametrized curves would be. And I do not understand. I have read the book twice, and yet, I am still wandering lost somewhere between P0 and P1. I cannot tell you what they traverse, in which direction they traverse it, or whether they stop at some point and have hot, steamy carnal relations, producing little P3 in the blink of an I = f(J) that is the gestational period of a P. But I digress.

The point is that my current method of studying is not working. This is that method: 1) sit in front of the computer. 2) Initiate willpower. 3) Begin surfing blogs and facebook and guild forums and anything else that will delay the inevitable onset of homework for a few minutes. 4) Realize that I have to do something else or that the day is over and I am out of time.

This method used to work. Back when I was 16 and in the throes of degree no. 1, this worked. But, back then, I had way more time and way fewer distractions. The internet had not yet become the powerhouse of diversion that it is now and my access to it was a lot less constant and uninterrupted. I didn't carry a powerful portable computer everywhere with me. (My backpack was still the size of a small child though. Go figure.)

Anyway, here's the solution:

1) No more missing classes. I will have to cut back on gymnastics activities for this semester, because otherwise I am going to painfully and miserably fail my classes. I don't need that kind of pain and misery.

2) A system of rewards. A system of cheap, immediate rewards. I study for two hours, then I go to the co-op at school and buy a microbrewed ginger ale/cream soda/ginger beer/cherry soda/root beer. I like these and I can put a $1.30 soda in the budget 5 days a week. (The budget is tight atm in order to make it so I can afford to go to Chicago this summer.)

3) Set study periods no longer than 2 hours. I don't have the attention span to sit for 7 hours. Yes, I used to. Now is not then. Get over it, I should, mmmm.

4) I have to stop planning to travel on the weekends. I have to work at work too much during the week for the weekends to be available for going home. The folks will just have to wait til Spring break to see me.

And done for now, because I'm starting to be sleepy. Sleepy is a very good way to feel for someone who doesn't sleep but has to work/study on a normal schedule. Normally, sleepy eludes me pretty effectively.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

homework

aka, I have the attention span of a wasp. buzzzz....

Getting back on track

This blog has lost its way since I started writing it. It was intended to be a vehicle/chronicle of and for my attempts to be less weird, broke, and lonely. Time to get back on track. How? First, finish all my math homework for next week today. 2nd, plan out the writing of my programming project. 3rd, make a budget, apply to the tefl class, and follow up on the housing thing, and sublet my room if I can, so I can go to Chicago this summer. 4th, start training again. 5th, fix my sleep schedule already. 6th, skate race, properly trained for.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The sun has set and the day is done and is about time...

I started to brush my teeth with sunblock. That's the sort of day it's been.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Just a couple of things, and Fem 2.0, pt. 1

Just a quick post tonight, with more to come tomorrow. (I have massive amounts of homework due tomorrow morning. Even with half of it done, the remainder is still massive.)

But, I just wanted to say that I did actually make it to Fem 2.0 today. I'm glad I went. I asked my mom's question and I think I got some good answers. I have to edit the audio and get it up here. I'm stoked to also hopefully go to She's Geeky in April and BlogHer in July. I think both might be right up my alley and might also give me some good networking possibilities and just a chance to get out there and talk to people.

I would like to address two specific things though, to my regular readers as well as the conference-goers, should any of them read this, especially those in the session where I asked my question. My question was basically "What is feminism?" Here goes.

First of all, my intent was not to label anyone a feminist. I was under the impression that that was the accepted, even expected term. I see that that isn't the case, but I am still a little confused, because the initial reaction I got to my question is the same reaction that I got from my mom when I brought up BlogHer. I had some light shed on that, in my mom's case, being a reaction to social feminists. And I need to investigate that term further. But, I don't understand why it isn't a good thing to be labeled a feminist. Forgive me for my ignorance, but I don't get it.

And if the issue is being labeled in general, as opposed to being able to just exist, I do get that.

The second issue I'd like to address is the name of my blog: WeirdBroke & Lonely came about because for much of my life, I have been lonely. I was one of those children who was too different to fit into the social milieu and straddled the worlds of children and adults very early and for a very long time, because I went to college very early and in times and places without real infrastructure to support me through that process and the process of becoming adult in that environment.

And now, as an adult, I don't drink (alchohol) and don't hang out with people who are drinking alchohol, and I dress Islamically (long sleeves, long shirt, long pants or skirt, headscarf, no face veil), and pray 5 times a day, and don't shake hands with men. Yet at the same time, I run and do anything I have the opportunity to do, especially in active arenas or sports. And all of that, combined with my unique upbringing, keeps me outside of my generation even now. There isn't really any hope for that, that I can see.

If my vision is limited, by all means enlighten me, but by and large I am considered weird by those who would be my peers, friends, confidantes, which leaves me without peers, friends, confidantes, except for one very special individual whom I don't get to see much, you know who you are. :)

In general though, I see myself being very lonely for a very long time to come. The title just acknowledges that, which takes away some of its power. When I studied martial arts more actively, they taught us that the punch that hurts the most is the one that you don't see coming. So by recognizing that I am weird and lonely, I ease some of the hurt that causes.

The broke is a tongue in cheek reference to being in school and isn't quite accurate anymore. Yay!

Special thanks to those who answered my questions. All in all, being at the conference was worth missing classes and work and having a hectic day today. :}

Monday, February 2, 2009

Things I would want to remember if I ever got amnesia (1)

My sister, whom I love dearly, once told me that I have majestic handwriting. I love that. I would want to remember that.

soso is ok sometimes

I talked to my dad on the phone today. Mom too. :)

And I started my budget, which needs finishing asap, and my homework, which isn't due for another two days, at least, one day now.

I'm thinking to write the story of this dragon I was writing about for a choose your own adventure forum game that the players lost interest in. The adventure was ish, but I like the idea I had for the story so I think I'll try to write it. And now, back to trash tv (but online :D ) and intermittent bursts of homework.

And I already prayed and I think I'll brush my teeth now and then when I get tired, I can just pass out. I took the day off already, but now I'm debating actually going to Fem 2.0 tomorrow to ask people what feminism is, or not. We'll see. All I ask of myself is not to let fear and inertia rule the day. If I go, go to be there. If I don't, don't for a good reason. That's all I ask of myself.

I could always go in the morning and then not miss my classes, too. I like that idea.

You know what? I need to go, for my mom. Because it isn't clear, because women like us, she and I, don't know what the word means, and because there's this negative connotation to it that I don't think it deserves.

I should go to that conference. I should do the first year of Obama project too. That's where, starting exactly one month after the inauguration of Barack Obama, I ask one person a day (or, more accurately, I get one usable audio quote per day) about what they think of Obama. And at the end of the year, I have a record and an audio piece and maybe, a pretty cool collection of vox populi. (I think that is the correct term.)

PS: I am in love with Halushki's writing style:

A nuclear family outing, motoring through suburbia at $2.89 per gallon on our way to the local indoor shopping establishment, trying to enjoy our drive even though we can actually hear the thin white needle of the fuel gauge slashing through our bank account like the sleek, sharp scimitars of so many miniature Saudi princes…

http://www.halushki.com/2006_04_01_archive.html

That is poetry.

PPS: I don't get to be miserable anymore, because it looks like my family isn't going to block my plans for the summer. (Don't get all liberationist on me, It's an old-fashioned approach. :) Anyway, being able to make plans is a beautiful thing, even if I won't quite believe them until the airplane wheels touch down this summer and my brother goes back home.

PPPS, because I just can't seem to finish this: Be very fucking careful what you wish for. Remember this little gem of poor amateur verse? Yeah. That's all I'ma say. Just, yeah.